Trying times but not really. I think mostly I’m losing control and I don’t know how to willingly, yet responsibly, give that over to my oldest. I have an 18 year old girl that is amazing in many ways. Her entire life I’ve been complimented on her and even asked what I did or how I raised her to end up with a child like that. I have known all along that it has never been me. I’m too aware of my flaws and mistakes to know that I cannot be commended for anything. As honest, kind, respectful, loving, and responsible she has been we’ve missed a couple marks.
Here we are, she’s about to graduate high school and her childhood and future are flashing before me. Increments of what if’s, is she ready, who is this boy she’s dating, does she care about more than just pretty clothes and on point hair, will she make good grades, why does she care more about decorating her dorm room than the seriousness of this next chapter, will she go buck wild, is my investment worth the chance of failure, why am I thinking about failure?
Part of my concern is that I’ve given so much to her and she has no idea what need or urgency feels like. Being a sweet, cute girl doesn’t pay bills. So this week we had a “where the rubber meets the road talk” The first couple of days were tense and I think it finally kicked in,
“I’m a mom who doesn’t know what I’m talking about and I’m just so annoying”‘
After one of the longest nights of talks, I realized a couple of things:
- God reminded me that all the hours of talking, lecturing, and/or worrying will never take the place of a good talk with Him
- Note to self: Giving your child nearly everything they desire is a pre-paid punishment for yourself.
- It is nearly impossible to appreciate something of value when it took no work to obtain it
Maybe I’m not losing control. Maybe, just maybe she will have to fall and/or fail and learn on her own. I know what your thinking. Of course she will have to do that but as a mom, its the hardest thing to do. I’m not ready! (In my pathetic and whiny voice)
Truly, it could be worse and life is great. But it’s working through the small details that have the ability to consume me. Unfortunately, I lose my cool and make irrational decisions then go into my room and say, “I need to pray.” Any other mama’s or daddy’s do this? Please, someone comment and tell me I’m not the only one. I want to trash the old saying, “when all else fails, pray.” That is so dumb! I want to be a smarter pray-er. I want to consult God first. That’s it! I’m going to pray now
I submit my daughter to you. Give her a clear vision of the path you want her on. Shift her desires to align with yours and close doors that lead to destruction, guide her to ones open to opportunity. Remind me to trust you and trust that we have raised her well and that your angels will never leave her side. Lastly, may she still have a heart for you above all else.